Stuff I noticed
by I believe in nargles too
Summary: If you are reading this summary you probably love Harry Potter. Here is some stuff I noticed about it.
1. Chapter 1

A/n: I was reading Harry Potter recently (all of them) and noticed some things. Here they are.

Deathly Hallows: How the hell did Hermione mistake Potter for Peverell?

Goblet of fire: 'One that many of my followers would give their right hands to perform.' Wow Voldie, real subtle!

Prisoner of Azkaban: 'Only one will die tonight' Seriously. Couldn't Sirius have just said 'Nah I'm not trying to kill Harry just that rat.'

Philosophers Stone: 'You're a wizard Harry.' I would have probably have asked Hagrid if he was on drugs.

Order of the Pheonix: 'You're just as sane as I am.' Is Luna trying to make him feel better or worse?

Chamber of Secrets: Wow. I know Lockheart was the only one that applied but how the fuck was he allowed to be a teacher! I don't care he wrote all those books. One conversation with him and you start to lose brain cells.

And now for everyone's favourite quote

Half blood Prince: 'There's no need to call me sir professor.' We now need a moment of silence for the awesomeness of Harry Potter. SASS TO THE MAX.

Now to the movies.

CALMLY! We all know what this means.

WHERE'S PEEVES?!

I actually like movie Ginny.

DOBBY WAS A FREE ELF!

I like the second Dumbledore just as much. *Ducks from rotten tomatos hitting me*

Random shit:

Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

DUMBLEDORE.

FUCK YOU UMBRIDGE.

Now a poem:

I promise to remember Bella

When I read a Mary Sue.

I promise to remember Edward

When someone starts stalking you

I promise to remember Jacob

Because bestiality is cool

I promise to remember Meyer

When I read a series so bad it's cruel.

Yes I promise to hate Twilight

Wherever I may go.

Because Harry Potter is better

And all Potterheads know.

Why would you name your kid Albus Severus Harry? Do you want your kid to be bullied.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2:

Goblet of Fire: 'I see no difference.' How do people like Snape. I will say this once and only once HE IS A DICKHEAD.

Order of the Pheonix: 'Sorry professor, I must not tell lies.' OOOOHHHHHHHHH BURN! Sassy Harry strikes again. PAYBACK.

Philosophers Stone: '60 points to Gryffindor' I was as happy asSHIPS the next person that Gryffindor won but it was a bit unfair to Slytherin wasn't it.

Chamber of Secrets: 'Tom Marvelo Riddle can also translate into 'Mr Tom a dildo lover.' Just thought that would be a fun bit of information.

Deathly Hallows: Ronald Weasley how dare you leave. Were you playing a game with yourself? How much of a wanker can I be. It sure seems like it.

Half Blood Prince: You no poo gives me life. All hail Fred and George!

Ships:

Harry/Ginny. I quite like them together. I don't understand all the hate.

Harry/Luna. I like this ship.

Harry/ Snape. NO

Harry Draco. NO!

Harry/Ron. Just no no no.

Harry Hermione. Cute but not my OTP or anything

Hermione/Snape. People have sick minds

Draco/Hermione. Why? Just why?

Ron/Hermione. Love this pairing. They're so cute together!

I know their are more ships but I can't be bothered

Keep calm and what is that mysterious ticking noise?


	3. Chapter 3

**For my next chapter I wanted to do something different. I love reading stories like this so I thought I would react to Philosophers Stone chapter 1. Enjoy. I do not own this (As you already know.) Its not the whole chater and I now have a new respect for people who do these stories. I** **skipped a massive chunk in the middle.** **  
**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

 **For some reason I'm thinking of Elvis saying this.**

They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

 **Fun fact: The first time I tried reading this, this part of the story bored me so much I put it down and didn't pick it up for 4 years.**

He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache.

 **Can he twirl it evilly? Otherwise there's no point having one.**

Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences,

 **Can you say busybody? I mean seriously can you? It's a hard word to say.**

spying on the neighbors. The Dursleys had a small **HA!** son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

The Dursleys had everything they wanted,

 **An actual life? I mean metaphorically cause they obviously are alive, but….. Eh fuck it you know what I mean.**

but they also had a secret,

 **GASP.**

and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.

 **OOH! Shit just got real!**

They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters. Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish

as it was possible to be.

 **Lucky them then.**

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

 **Nothing. Because her neighbours probably have lives.**

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.

 **HA HA**

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

 **Well nah.**

Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.

 **SUMO!**

None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.

 **GASP! Always remember to notice the owl!**

At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

 **Charming.**

"Little **HA!** tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive. **Boringly I presume**

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar - a cat reading a map. **I thought of Dora the Explorer and I don't know why.**

For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen - then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? **Food** It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. **As normal cats do.** As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive - no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. **That's what you think…..** Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. **Not hard as he has such a small one.** As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day. **Euphemism**

But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes – **And they probably can't bear him**. the getups you saw on young people! He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos **Lovely man he is**. standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him! **How could he!?** But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt - these people were obviously collecting for something... yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. **;)**

Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. **Nooooooooo!** He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, **:0** though people down in the street did; **They'd have to be blind not to.** they pointed and gazed open- mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. **Rhyme.** Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. **Define normal** He yelled at five different people. Congrats Dursley **do you wanna card or something**. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. **That's a lot of shouting.** He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs **Gasp! ;0** and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery. **And all is right with the world.**

He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks **Good memory our Vernon has.** until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. **Judgmental wanker** He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying. **Nosey Nosey.**

"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard yes, their son, Harry"

Mr. Dursley stopped dead. **YES DIE DIE MOTHERFUCKER!** Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it. **HE THOUGHT! CALL THE NEWSPAPER!**

He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. **What mind?** He put the receiver back down and stroked his mustache, thinking... no, he was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

 **MASSIVE, GINORMOUS SKIP RIGHT HERE.**

"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now." **What happened to Lily's parents?**

"You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. **No offense McGonagall but you probably can.** And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. **B to the R to the A and the T. What does that spell? DUDLEY** Harry Potter come and live here!"

"It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."

 **This is what I think the letter says**

 **DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD.**

 **WHICH WITCH?**

 **Your sister. here's her son.**

"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? **IKR.** These people will never understand him! **Emo Potter.**

He'll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future - there will be books written about Harry **See what you did there J.K you sneaky bastard**. - every child in our world will know his name!" **Yeah most people do know the name Harry.**

"Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head. Famous before he can walk and talk! **Actually he probably can walk. He's over a year old.** Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes - yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it. **That would bring the books to a new sinister level.**

"Hagrid's bringing him."

"You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"

I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore. All together now. "AWWW".

"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to - what was that?"

A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. **NOT THE TIME DUMBLEDORE** **! HOLD IT IN!** It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.

If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed **Cruel** and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. **AWW DOLPHINS** **!** In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets. **What would the books be like if Harry had fallen out of the motorcycle?**

"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. **Come on Dumbles. You haven't been there THAT long.** And where did you get that motorcycle?" **Intelligent question.**

"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. **Subtle Rowling.** I've got him, sir." **Do you mean Harry or Sirius?**

"No problems, were there?"

"No, sir - house was almost destrowyed, **Sooooo a problem.** but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol." **AWWWWW**

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. **Guess what's coming. AWWWWWW!** Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning. **Do scars grow or was it once like massive on his face and has steadily shrunk to the right proportion?**

"Is that where -?" whispered Professor McGonagall.

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever." **Well nah shit. That's what a scar is.**

"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"

"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. **There should be a movie dedicated to that scar.** Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with."

Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.

"Could I - could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry **Nice Hagrid. Why should you have to wait for an answer?** and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.

"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!" **And the sleeping baby that's been through some great trauma.**

"S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead - an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles -" **Aw. I love Hagrid.**

"Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, **IN NOVEMBER!** took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle **A minute is actually quite a long time to be doing nothing.** ; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. **Except to make sure Harry doesn't freeze to death.** We may as well go and join the celebrations."

"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back. **:(** G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir."

Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night. **Dramatic exit number one.**

"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply. **I would pay to see her do this.**

Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. **Deluminator** He clicked it once, and twelve balls J of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.

"Good luck, Harry," he murmured. He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone. **Dramatic exit number 2.**

A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream **Reasonable reaction** as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley... He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!"

 **If you want to, review. I'm gonna do a normal chapter in a few days.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back!**

I decided today I'm just going to talk about one character. Ronald Bilius Weasley

Philosphers Stone: Aw he seems like a cool guy. And he was so brave in the chess match.

Chamber of secrets: I feel so sorry for him. Imagine nearly losing his sister like that. I feel like he's starting to get a crush on Hermione

Prisnor of Askban: Ron's a cool guy and all but did he have to go so crazy over a broomstick. I guess he was brave standing up to Sirius though. And on a broken ankle.

Goblet of Fire: Wow. Ron. Is. A. Dick. And not just for leaving Harry over something that wasn't his fault . His actions at the Yule ball were just terrible.

Order of the Phoenix: In the Hogsmeade scene when the DA didn't seem popular he tried to tell everyone he had no part in the idea but when everyone liked it suddenly he was as much part of it as Hermione. Ha ha He has the emotional range of of a teaspoon.

Half Blood Prince: I wasn't keen on the Ron Hermione fight but I absolutely love the way they both stick with Harry. So cute.

Deathly Hallows: Leaving like that just wasn't right. I don't care about the horcrux. Hermione had to fight it too. At least he saved Harry's life. And congrats on getting laid at least twice Ron.

Alternitive names for Sirus Black

Serious Black

Siri Black

Sirus White

Sirius Blue

Sirius Gold

If you can think of others review.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks** for **the** **idea guest. And thanks for helping MoonlessGalaxy (smilies still won't win.)**

 **I am doing what I did to Ron last chapter to Hermione.**

 **Philosophers Stone:** She came across as a bit bossy in this. Still her scene with Harry talking about friendship and bravery was cute.

 **Chamber of Secrets:** Was she seriously the only person to work out about the snake travelling through the pipes

 **Prisoner of Askaban:** She should have stopped using the time turner when she worked out the negative effects.

 **Goblet** **of Fire:** I love Hermione in this one. I like how she was one of the only Harry supporters. I feel bad about how her argument with Ron probably ruined the Yule ball for her.

 **Order of the Pheonix:** It was probably just because we were looking at her through Harry's eyes but she seemed quite pushy in this.

 **Half Blood Prince:** I know she liked Ron but did she really have to attack him with birds for kissing someone else?

 **Deathly Hallows:** Aw I love the kissing Ron scene. And congrats on the two kids ;).

 **Now I'm doing Lupin**.

 **Philosophers Stone/ Chamber of Secrets:** Where is he

 **Prisoner of Askaban:** HE'S HERE! I like the scenes between him and Harry. Why didn't he tell anyone Sirius was an animagus?

 **Goblet of Fire:** Was he in this one?

 **Order of the Phoenix:** Poor him. I cant imagine losing all his friends.

 **Half Blood Prince:** What do the underground werewolves do when it isn't the full moon?

 **Deathly Hallows:** Aw the Mauraders are all gone! :( At least his son lives on.

 **I will do another two next time. Mcgonnagol will be one but you can pick who the other will be. Just review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't really know what to write but I'm going on holiday and I thought it would be nice to have a chapter up.  
I introduce you to;**

 _WEIRD CHARACTER NAMES_

 **Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore:** Wow. I just love this name. For some reason the Brian always makes me laugh. I want to see a fanfic about how his parents named him. #FanficSugges _ion_

 **Dedalas Diggle:** His name sounds like a fucking Euphemism. **(This one was suggested by MoonlessGalaxy.)** also how do pronounce his first name. Is it Dead alas. If you say it quick it sounds like Dead at last.

 **Remus Lupin:** If Hermione hadn't worked out that stuff about how he was ill on the full moon she could have just realised his last name was FUCKING MOON. Sorry, I have a lot of pent up rage. YAY

 **Diggory:** Ha ha.

I'm sorry

 **Dudley Dursley:** If his parents anted a normal son why didn't they call him Billy or something? Haha Billy Dursley.

 **Xenophilius** **Lovegood:** Anyone know how to pronounce this? I seriously have no idea whatsoever. Like at all.

How most Harry/Draco stories go:

"Guys," Harry sad to Ron and Hermione. They stopped kissing violently and looked at Harry." 'I think I'm gay."

"OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Shrieked Hermione, While Ron was beating him up. "DISPITE STICKING WITH YOU FOR THE WHOLE TIME AT HOGWARTS GIVE OR TAKE A FEW INSTANCES WE AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE YOU FAG!" She yelled! Then they both left, stopping to snog in the doorway.

 **Next Year.**

After Ron and Hermione's totally believable betrayal Harry found he was being put under 10000 different potions. He got cleansed and defeated Voldemort completely on his own because suddenly horcruxes didn't exist.

He was boarding the Hogwarts express when he suddenly fell into the arms of Draco Malfoy. "Hey, even though I've despised you for years and your father worked for the man that killed my parents I suddenly wanna kiss you." Harry said in a flirty tone. They locked lips and started kissing violently.

Harry transferred to Slytherin and wasn't the subject of attempted murder once even though he killed the man many worked for. Ron and Hermione fell in a hole whilst kissing and died.

 **I'm sorry if this came across as rude but I have read so many fics where this sort of stuff happens.**

 **Quick question: Do I need to change my rating to a T?**


	7. Chapter 7

Guys, you know the part in Philosophers stone where Dumbledore gives Gryffindor all the points. Well the fandom seems really annoyed about that but I did some calculations

Harry, Neville and Hermione get 150 points taken unfairly (Draco only lost 20)

Then Snape probably took away about 50 for stupid reasons

That makes 200

So although at the end of the year Dumbledore adds on 170, all it's really doing is adding on points that were taken unfairly.

Also how many points has Snape added on to Slytherin?

So actually Gryffindor would have probably still won if the point system was more fair.

I created a song

Bah bah Snapey

you are such a fool

Lily never loved you

not at all

10 points from Harry

Getting back at James

I'd like to see you going up in flames.

Hope you like.

Right now though I'm in a Hate Snape mood.

If you want comment your least favourite Snape moment.

I got a review saying how they loved Dramione. Honestly I hate that ship

Isnt it sexy how Draco calls Hermione a racist slur. I'm practically swooning.

Fowl, loathsome, evil, cockroach springs to mind.

Anyway I ship Draco/Crabbe. That scene where Draco was bouncing up and down in Crabbe's pants was sooooo hot. #swoon

Sorry if the reviewer got offended by this. The whole Fic is a joke

Comment if there is anything you want me to talk about.


	8. Chapter 8

**Alot of people do reading the books. Even I did on chapter 3. This isn't that though. I wil be racting to something but not a book. I am gonna react to my own old fanfiction. Looking back I realised my grammar was terrible and I used crap metephors. Well witout further ado:**

 **Disclaimer: seriously if I owned Harry potter Harry would go out with either Luna or Cho and Cho would be a Hufflepuff.**

 _ **Still kinda true**_

I am the Hogwarts sorting hat. _**Good for you.**_ After 1000 years I barely ever made mistakes. Not often but sometimes.

 _ **Cringing already**_

One of my biggest mistakes was Peter Pettigrew. He would have been best in in Hufflepuff where he would have been with his own kind. He would have grown to be a lot more confident.

 _ **My fucking God was i defending Peter?**_

The only reason I put him in Gryffindor was he absolutely screamed it. Apparently he had met James Potter and Sirius Black _**Should have a comma**_ there. both easy to put into Gryffindor on the train.

 _ **Fuck me**_

I decided to let him have his wishes and put him there. How I wish I had not. That was one of my most grave mistakes.

The second was even worse with Tom Riddle.

 _ **Did I really say Tom was sorted after Peter? Kill me**_

If I had put him somewhere else he may have not grown to be the horrible murderer he is now. His mind was horribly unpleasant to go into. I knew as soon as he put me on his head where he would go. Even as I screamed it a seed of doubt popped into me. As time went on it blossomed into a giant flower twisting my mind. _**Pretentious metaphor number one.**_

It was all down to me and one word. SLYTHERIN.

One more mistake was more resent. _ **Think that was meant to say recent**_ A girl this time by the name of Cho Chang. She would have done well in hufflepuff, _**Needs a capital**_ yet I did not put her there. **_Well nah shit_** I noticed her biggest qualities were friendship. Being loyal to a friend even if they did wrong. Her other quality was smartness. I chose to act on that reason for some reason **Needs a full stop** I feel her worst quality was brought out. Jealousness. I feel Ravenclaw was not the house for her. _ **Was going through a love Cho phrase there**_

Yet all these people had good in them. Even Tom. _ **NO HE DIDN'T! HE'S DEAD**_ Cho Chang still had a chance, **Comma splicing there. Needs a full stop.** would she act on the good in her _**Oh my God how terrible was my grammar?! Needs a question mark.**_ I sincerely hope so. _ **Fuck you Sorting Hat**_

 **Sorry about any mistakes.** **T** ** _hat doesn't cut it_** **!** **Please comment. If you do u** **** ** _you_** **** **get a cookie please comment if there's any bad grammer** ** _Even spelt grammar wrong. AND I forgot the full stop._**

 ** _Oh my God I'm sorry for inflicting this on you guys!_**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey. I decided to do the fandom vs real.**

Book Harry: Selfless and brave but extremly awkward with girls. Isn't the most observant of people and can be quite judgmental sometimes.

Movie Harry: They make him a lot more angsty "Who am I Hedwig" and take out a lot of the moments that make him Harry. "No need to call me Sir" but mostly do an accurate representation.

Fandom Harry: Either this hot smooth talker, an abuse victim (which he already is but the fandom makes it like twice as bad) or an unobservant idiot. (Like even worse than in canon.

Book Ron: Funny guy, great strategist (in theory) keeps his cool in the face of danger (Devils Snare) Can be extremly jealous. Makes stupid, rash desisions and doesn't fare well with hunger.

Movie Ron: This little jealous shitbag who panics easily and just makes stupid quips. Does have a few good moments.

Fandom Ron: Cruel towards Harry, abusive towards Hermione, twice as jealous as even the movies, goes round calling people mudblood and is feeding Harry and Hermione several potions.

Book Hermione: Clever but can be a Know-it-all. Sometimes insensitive but over all a really kind person. Feel like she may be mildly autistic.

Movie Hermione: LITTERALLY FUCKING PERFFECT IN EVERY WAY. TOOK MOST OF RONS GOOD LINES! I still love her though.

Fandom Hermione: Film Hermione times 10.

Twinkle Twinkle little Snape

You look like a mouldy grape

You are such a massive prick

I bet you have a tiny dick.

Twinkle twinkle little Snape

I hate your stupid cape.

Wasn't that amazing. APPLAUD ME!

Please.

If anyone has a HP joke PM me so I can include it.

Is there anything anyone wants me to do really on this.

If you like crappy SYOT check out mine.


	10. Chapter 10

Hggguttuutugg

gggggggffrrrryy

fgjhohoiubuiby

No you haven't clicked onto the wrong document by mistake. I realised it's been like 2 months since I updated so I decided I kinda had to. :D

JK!

Basically I'm gonna list a character then suggest a song that I think would describe them. At the end of the chapter I'll try and fail to write a parody! All together now: YAY!

Harry Potter: Demons by Imagine Dragons

Reason: A lot of the lyrics are about how the singer wants to shelter them

 **'I want to hide the truth** **  
** **I want to shelter you'**

Harry is certainly guilty of this sometimes.

Ron Weasley: Counting stars by OneRepublic

I like this song because I think it sums up Ron and Hermione's relationship.

 **What if I'm far from home?  
Oh brother, I will hear you call!  
What if I lose it all?  
Oh sister, I will help you hang on!  
Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you  
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do**

The far from home lyric certainly describes him and let's not deny that he WOULD do almost anything for Hermione (and Harry.)

Hermione Granger: Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys

This one might not be my top choice actually. I think it describes Hermione because of the lyrics about being a strong powerful woman.

' **And she's not backing down'**

But others

 **'She's got her head in the clouds'**

Certainly don't describe her. Comment what you think.

Ginny Weasley: Can't blame a girl for trying by Sabrina Carpenter

Reason: This isn't a main aspect of Ginny and I kinda feel guilty reducing her to this but every time I hear this song I can't help but think of her.

 **And I think sometimes I tend to be my own worst** enemy  
And maybe **someday I'm gonna catch a shooting star falling out of the blue** **  
** **Doin' what I do**

No one can deny than Ginny spent a lot of time hoping for Harry. Of course she did do other stuff!

Luna Lovegood: Shake it off by Taylor Swift

A lot of the lyrics are about learning to ignore haters.

 **'The haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate'**

And Luna certainly has that down to a T.

And Noooooooowwwwwwww for my failed song parody!

(To the tune of Shake it Off)

May I pressseeeeeentttttt **Fangirling**

I stay up too late , got Potter in my brain  
That's what my mum says, that's what my friends say  
I never go on dates, would mean no books for a day!  
At least that's what my books say, that's what my books say

But I keep reading

My OTP might be bleeding!

It's like I got this question in my mind

Asking "will they be alright!?"

Cause the Gamers gonna game, game, game, game, game  
And the bloggers gonna blog, blog, blog, blog, blog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
Let's read it all, I'll read it it all  
Hipsters gonna live, laugh, love, love, love  
And the vloggers gonna vlog, vlog, vlog, vlog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
I'll read it all, Let's read it all!

I never miss my ship , I feel my heart start to rip,  
And that's what they don't see, that's what they don't see  
I'm happy on my own, Cos people come and then they go  
And that's what they don't know, that's what they don't know

But I keep crying

Can't stop, won't stop 'WHY!'-ing

It's like I got this question in my mind  
Asking "are they gonna be alright?"

Cause the Gamers gonna game, game, game, game, game  
And the bloggers gonna blog, blog, blog, blog, blog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
Let's read it all, I'll read it it all  
Hipsters gonna live, laugh, love, love, love  
And the vloggers gonna vlog, vlog, vlog, vlog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
I'll read it all, Let's read it all!

I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all

Hey, hey, hey!  
Just think while you've been getting down and out about the trollers  
And dirty, dirty tweets in this world you could've been getting down to this sick read

My OTP has just broken up  
I'm like "oh my God", but they're just gonna wait

Until the next book to get back together  
Won't you come on over, Katniss, we can Cry cry cry

Cause the Gamers gonna game, game, game, game, game  
And the bloggers gonna blog, blog, blog, blog, blog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
Let's read it all, I'll read it it all  
Hipsters gonna live, laugh, love, love, love  
And the vloggers gonna vlog, vlog, vlog, vlog  
Baby, I'm just gonna read, read, read, read, read  
I'll read it all, Let's read it all!

I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all  
I, I read it all, Let's read it all

WASN'T THAT TERRIBLE! *cries in desperation*


	11. Chapter 11

Hiiii! A chapter for Christmas!

Like normal I'll talk about ships but first I need to get a rant off my head!

 **Dramione shippers that can't bear their disgusting ship be insulted now is your chance to look awayyyy!**

I absolutely hate this ship! Like 'no no no no no!'

THIS SHIP BELONGS IN TARTARUS!

I know there are worse ships (somehow Harry/Snape is popular) but why would ANYONE ship Hermione/Draco?!

REASONS TO SHIP IT:

Because loving the guy that you've been best friends with since the age of 12 is SO cliche!

It's so cute how he calls her a racist slur! OTP MATERIAL!

Because it doesn't matter that in order for Dramione Fanfiction to work at least one of their personalities has to be warped out of recognition!

33333333

Reasons Not To Ship It:

Because even DRARRY (which I hate too) has more chemistry!

Because RON exists! And unlike most Fanfiction portray him as (check my previous chapter for a better analysis) HE IS NOT AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE!

Do you actually think that Draco's family would allow it?! And don't give me a load of star crossed lovers bullshit!

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Anywayyyyyyy...

 **Typical Dramione Fanfiction:**

(similar to my typical Drarry fanfiction)

Hermione sighed at the annoyingness of Harry and Ron. She then instantly regretted it as Ron whipped her into oblivion whilst Harry laughed.

Since she had started dating Ron when he threatened to kill a house elf if she didn't the only thing that got her through the long nights were the thoughts of the silvery grey eyes twinkling like stars.

The drugs that zonked her out helped too.

And the alcohol.

And the Cigarettes.

And the painkillers.

Suddenly Hermione had had enough. 'Leave me alone!' She yelled. Ron was surprised enough to let her go. Suddenly she didn't care about that house elf.

Its not like that disabled wizard needed an assistant or anything.

She ran into Draco's arms and they made sweet sweet love.

And they lived happily ever after.

 **Sorry if you feel that's making fun of important issues. (well it is!)**

Anyway sorry if you don't like this chapter. I'm tired and I had a rant I needed to get of my mind!


	12. Chapter 12

Hey **it's my stuff I noticed being updated!**

 **Oh god *sirius moment* this is my favourite story of all that I write. I don't feel any pressure like I do on my others.**

Ick! Gross! SAP!

I have decided to write a oneshot parody for this chapter!

"What about I believe in nargles too?" You ask me!

I think I'll call it!

 **The shittiest Hp ships**

 **(I have a way with words!)**

Hermione sighed. She was in a situation. Twilight fans would call it a love triangle but it wasn't.

It was more of a...

OCTAGON

Who would she choose from?

Draco?

Snape?

Lucius?

Dumbledore?

Dobby?

The Sorting hat?

Or Gale...

WRONG FANDOM SORRY!

Of course neither Ron nor Harry was on this list because fuck healthy, nuturing relationships.

And age appropriate stuff?

Pass me a puke bucket!

Hermione started crying softly and instantly every guy came over to her offering her a tissue.

"Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean." Dobby muttered to her.

"I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets." Draco whispered.

Hermione had had enough.

"Shut up everyone!" She said, still looking beautiful somehow,

"I pick..,"

Of course the story ended here and wouldn't be updated until 6 virgins were sacrificed.

Hey, at least the cliffhanger isn't as bad as the Mark of Athena!

 **If you haven't suffered enough here's a song parody to the song...**

If I die young bury me with my books  
Lay me down on a bed of nailies **WTF**  
Sink me in the river of lethes  
Send me away with the words of Dumbledore  
Uh oh uh oh

Books made me a fangirl, Worse than any other  
You know you read too much when  
You have more than one cover, oh and  
Life ain't always what you think it oughta be, no  
Ain't even gay, but have an otp  
The sharp pain of a short life,  
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young bury me with my books  
Lay me down on a bed of nailies **WTF**  
Sink me in the river of lethes  
Send me away with the words of Dumbledore  
Uh oh uh oh

The sharp knife, of a long strife  
But they had, not enough time!

And I'll be fuckin queen of my fandom kingdom  
Ship my notp and you'll see my middle finger  
I've never known the lovin' of a man  
But it sure felt nice when my ship came into land  
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever  
My eyes say yes but my books say never

The sharp knife, of a long strife  
But they had, not enough time!

So show me your best books and I'll wear my robes  
Why don't I ship death and the sun!

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a sickle  
They aren't appropriate, curse my mind is fickle  
And maybe then you'll see the words I been reading,  
Funny when they're movies how people start butting in

If I die young bury me with my books  
Lay me down on a bed of nailies **WTF**  
Sink me in the river of lethes  
Send me away with the words of Dumbledore  
Uh oh uh oh

Seaweed Brain don't you see  
They're my otp

Gather up your knives, keep them in your pocket,  
Save it for a time when you really need to them, oh

The sharp knife, of a long strife  
But they had, not enough time!  
So show me your best books and I'll wear my robes

 **Doneeeeee!**

 **Now I have an announcement.**

 **I have a nickname for you guys!**

 **You will now be know as...**

 **My Nargleators**

 **And I will use you to rule the worlddddddddddddd!**

 **On a second note if you have any songs you want parodyed just review it and I'll try to do it!**


	13. Chapter 13

**SHITTY PARODY OF FIGHT SONG!**

 **By I believe in nargles too**

Like a fangirl

I have feels attacks

So many emotions

No going back  
Like how a single book  
Can make a heart broken  
There might only be one page  
But it can make an explosion

And all those books I want to read

Squeal attack oh yes indeed  
I will read them quick tonight  
Can you see my light this time?

This is my fandom  
I have no life? WRONG!  
I am insane? Wrong!  
Fanfiction writong. (Shitty rhyme)  
Starting right now I'll be strong  
I've been here too long!  
And I don't really care if nobody else just readsssssss  
'Cause I've still got a lot of squeals left in me

No real friends and I don't know sleep  
Nobody just gets me.  
In too deep  
I'm in so deep (in too deep)  
And it's been two years  
I'm not quite sane  
My fangirl habits: a teachers bane  
Still, I read  
Yeah, I still just read

And all those books I want to read

Squeal attack oh yes indeed  
I will read them quick tonight  
Can you see my light this time?

This is my fandom  
I have no life? WRONG!  
I am insane? Wrong!  
Fanfiction writong. (Shitty rhyme)  
Starting right now I'll be strong  
I've been here too long!  
And I don't really care if nobody else just readsssssss  
'Cause I've still got a lot of squeals left in me

A lot of squeals left in me

Like a fangirl  
I have feels attacks

So many emotions

No going back

Like how a single book

Can make a heart broken

There might only be one page

But it can make an explosion

This is my fandom

I have no life? WRONG!

I am insane? Wrong

Fanfiction Writong!

Starting right now I'll be strong

I've been here too long

And I don't really care if anyone else just readsssssssss

Cause I've still got a lot of squeals left in me

A lot of squeals left in me

 **AND TO MAKE THIS HARRY POTTER RELATED?**

 **SNAPE CAN GO DIE (oh wait!)**

One point I thought of a while ago.

When Ron got jealous of Hermione going to the Yule ball with someone that was wrong right?

THEN WHY WAS IT FUCKING OK FOR HER TO ATTACK HIM WITH BIRDS FOR KISSING SOMEONE?!


	14. Chapter 14

This story(?) is pretty much over now, but I wanted to say one thing.

I have NEVER intentionally copied something from Tumblr, so saying that honestly hurt me.

The literal reason this story started is because I noticed (shock) something and wanted to share it.

 **Now a short story because I still hate Snape:**

Neville or Harry breathed.

"100 points from Gryffindor!" Snape yelled.

Harry frowned but Snape gave him the finger. "I was in love with your mother so it's okay to be a generally shitty person to you. Name your kid after me!"

Harry shrugged, he couldn't argue with that logic.

 **Beautiful**


End file.
